REMAKE-A-PALOOZA! - 'WAX,' 'SEMETARY,' FRANKENSTEIN,' 'WAR' & MORE!

[Scott W. Davis]

Okay, been a while since I posted a new installment of our remake column, so here's the ins and outs of what's going on in Hollywood's creative drought.



ASSAULT ON PRECINCT 13 is getting a damn fine cast going. Previously announced has been Ethan Hawke and Laurence Fishburne. Also signing up is John Leguizamo (MOULIN ROUGE), Maria Bello (SECRET WINDOW, THE COOLER), Brian Dennehy, Gabriel Byrne and Drea de Matteo (THE SOPRANOS - I'm the last guy in America to have never seen this show). Not bad!



On the flipside, the HOUSE OF WAX remake is sounding worse and worse, and that really makes me mad. As we reported, they have decided not to do the film in 3-D, sticking with the more traditional approach. Because as we know, there aren't enough films about murders in the wax museum. Now comes the news that the latest celeb by default has been cast in the film. Yes, Paris Hilton, a woman who no one in their right mind should like, has been given the keys to the film. Now, she has done some film work. Really, just read the spam in your e-mail box and I'm sure there are people still trying to sell it.



Hilton joins Elisha Cuthbert, who does a fine job on 24. Also, word is good on the upcoming film THE GIRL NEXT DOOR. Also signed are former GILMORE GIRLS players Jared Padalecki and Chad Michael Murray. But Paris Hilton, one of the first people you sign?!? Yeesh! My guess is that throw from the horse was no accident, that was pure retribution from the ghost of Vincent Price. Sadly, Christopher Reeve still struggles after his accident while Paris Hilton just keeps skanking on.



A new remake to pop up in the last few weeks is PET SEMETERY, a film whose original I was never too thrilled with anyway. Wait, didn't PET SEMETERY just come out? What? 16 years ago?!? Wow, I'm getting old.



The new SEMETERY is staying at Paramount, who released the original as well as the rather nasty sequel. The script is being written by Mike Werb and Michael Colleary. News is that George Clooney could take the lead. Clooney has said recently that he had no interest in Hollywood films unless they were directed by Joel Coen or Stephen Soderbergh. Then again, he has never thumbed his nose at the genre. He nutured a live TV adaptation of WHO GOES THERE? (source material for the two THING movies) that has never seen fruition and I still say he kicks ass in FROM DUSK TIL DAWN. So did he change his mind? Who knows?



If Clooney is starring then it will have to wait. He's filming OCEAN'S TWELVE with Soderbergh right now (reportedly, everyone took a pay cut to reunite for the film) and after that, he has what promises to be an amazing political drama, SYRIANA. Clooney also produces that one, along with... I'll be damned, Stephen Soderbergh.



I'd say the scoop is unlikely. But personally, I'll see just about anything Clooney is in. I never watched ER and I'm not one of these people who follows the hot actors which unwavering allegiance. However, Clooney has taken a number of chances in his career - some hit, some miss. But he always brings tons of personality into the part. Also, the man has instant charisma. For some reason, I can't bring myself to hate him in anything he's in. Notice that hardly anyone even blames him for BATMAN & ROBIN or ONE FINE DAY. Also, the guy directed by favorite film of 2002 - CONFESSIONS OF A DANGEROUS MIND. He most recently did a hilarious comic turn in INTOLERABLE CRUELTY.



Word has been pretty mum on the new AMITYVILLE HORROR movie. The film is being bankrolled by MGM and Dimmension, who buried the hatchet to realize one good AMITYVILLE film was better than two lousy ones. It's under the supervision of Platinum Dunes, the production team behind the new TEXAS CHAINSAW MASSACRE, winner of last year's "I Can't Believe It Didn't Suck!" Award. No one is saying anything about the film, but George Lutz, who allegedly went through the real-life Amityville Horror (*cough* bullshit *cough*) has managed to tie up his harrowing experience (*cough* publicity stunt *cough*) in enough legal red tape that we have a good idea of what the film could contain.



"If they do have the right to do this, then they?re limited to the 28 days and to the wording in the book," Lutz said. "The original screenplay limits them as such so that they?re options to retell the story become pretty much line-by-line of the original. In other words, they have a very narrow definition of what they can do." Now, this is strange as the studios and Platinum Dunes have prided themselves on re-inventing the AMITYVILLE franchise. So, I wouldn't be surprised if they find some way around Lutz's loopholes.



And what of that modern TV take on FRANKENSTEIN from Dean Koontz, Marcus Nispel and Martin Scorsese? Nispel was doing some talking to Sci-fi Wire, who just happens to be owned by USA Interactive, the same group broadcasting the show.



"The monster discovers a soul, while the creator turns more and more into the monster," Nispel said, "and this whole idea of a disciple becoming the master and the master becoming disciple was always interesting to me." Hmmm, interesting.



Everyone is buzzing about the new huge project in Hollywood. Steven Speilberg and Tom Cruise are teaming up to bring H.G. Welles' classic WAR OF THE WORLDS to the screen again. David Koepp will be rewriting the script, from Josh Friedman's first draft. In addition to writing JURASSIC PARK and MISSION: IMPOSSIBLE for each of the Hollywood juggernauts, Koepp has done good genre work, writing and directing three pitch-perfect and sadly overlooked efforts: THE TRIGGER EFFECT, STIR OF ECHOES and SECRET WINDOW.



Production won't begin until late 2005, with Cruise tackling MISSION: IMPOSSIBLE III first. Speilberg is finishing THE TERMINAL and may helm another film before WAR OF THE WORLDS begins. Chances are, this will push the fourth INDIANA JONES film back to 2006. At this rate, they can call it INDIANA JONES AND THE SEARCH FOR THE BROKEN HIP.



Finally, congratulations go to DAWN OF THE DEAD, which seems to have opened with... shock!... some pretty good reviews. Reportedly not skewering American consumerism like the original but delivering new messages and new horror, they have hit on a winner here. You can bet your bottom dollar I'll be seeing it this week and will be telling you if it's really the film people have been saying it is.



DAWN also raked in a good bundle of cash, opening at $ 27.3 million in the U.S. This tops the negative cost and some of the advertising budget. Roughly, anything this sucker brings in over $ 46 million will be profit. Expect it to drop by at least half next week, since that's what our films tend to do, sad to say.



Special thanks to www.aint-it-cool-news.com, Bloody Disgusting, Creature Corner, Dark Horizons, Fangoria, Sci-fi Wire and Variety for contributing these stories.



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Everything old is new again. Comment on these remakes in our FORUMS!

[42nd Street Freak]

"Assualt on P 13"!!....Give me strength!
RENT/BUY THE ORIGINALS YOU MALL RAT FUCKWEEDS!!!!

And i am a big Dennehy fan as well (sound like he would play Charles Cyphers role...can't see him fitting in anywhere else)...but sorry Big Brian...not even you are getting me to see this.

[Caleb Goodwin]

Why remake Pet Cemetery? The original wasnt that great to start with. We need to start a list of what is not being remade. That would be easier than keeping up with the remakes.

Plus Dark Castle does not need to be allowed to make movies much less remakes. They have done nothing but produce absolute drivel.