Just a little something I've been working on.

[Unconscious]

This is a rewrite of a previous piece of work I had done, I have tried to use more detail in this copy, however.






Halfway To Hell
By Christopher Lodge



Prologue


Phobos, February 15th, 2145.

Dr Victoria Janstine was slouched over the desk with her eyes fixated on the computer screen in front of her. Her wavy, strawberry blonde hair was tidily tucked behind her ears, and her large, black, thick-rimmed spectacles overshadowed her evidently weary face.

She was studying the statistics on some form of dynamic chart: it seemed to be measuring the voltages of an anonymous device.
“500, 560, 540, 490, 560…” She whispered to herself anxiously.
This has never worked before; it had to be one of the biggest risks Professor Betruger has ever taken: If it succeeded and all went as intended, Betruger and his team were sure to win the Noble Prize; however, if they were unsuccessful, they would almost certainly die.
“580, 590, 540, 550, 430, 400, 450, 500,” She whispered to herself yet again, just as apprehensively.

Victoria was growing increasingly anxious by the minute. Every second that the machine was online, the more probable it became that something would go wrong. The danger that Betruger was putting his crew in was insane; it was just too dangerous. One false move, and there could be an explosion the size of an atomic bomb!

“We need more power!” Ordered a rather sinister voice coming from the speakers on the desk adjacent to Victoria, who immediately pressed a little green button on the desk neighboring her. The said button had “Microphone” written above it.
“Are you sure? Professor, we’ve already filled the machine to its maximum safe capacity! If we put the voltages any higher, it’ll be in the red!” Victoria protested loudly.
“Are you disobeying my orders? How dare you… I’m in control of this operation, and I shall be the one who makes the decisions, all of the decisions, you’re just here to work, and nothing more.” The voice snarled back in retort.
Victoria hesitated; she didn’t know what to say. Should she do what she believes to be right, or follow the orders of her boss?
“Well?” Growled the voice.
“Okay Professor, I will up the voltage by 500 volts. I hope you know what you’re doing,” Victoria replied with a hint of defeat in her voice.


Victoria rose out of her chair, and walked towards the back of the office; there was a large, murky-grey machine attached to the wall. Directly in the centre of the appliance there was a display, on which the phrase “APROX: 400V” was flashing.

----

That's all so far, what do you think?


Please let me know about the following:

Language?
Spelling?
Puncuation?
Grammar?
Story (so far)?
Tense?
Believable?
Detail?



Cheers!

[spiral]

I think it's well written, though there's not enough for me to comment much further than that. The Professor character seems a bit of an old-school Boris Karloff type villan. I'd tone down his Evil Overlord tone, to start with at least...

Keep writing! :)

[Unconscious]

I think it's well written, though there's not enough for me to comment much further than that. The Professor character seems a bit of an old-school Boris Karloff type villan. I'd tone down his Evil Overlord tone, to start with at least...

Keep writing! :)

Will do.

It's a fanfiction based on the video game, Doom 3, just so you know. Betruger is a rather sinister professor either way.

I'll start on some more tommorow, if I can find the motivation to do so.

[spiral]

Will do.

It's a fanfiction based on the video game, Doom 3, just so you know. Betruger is a rather sinister professor either way.

I'll start on some more tommorow, if I can find the motivation to do so.

Ah... I see.

Well, he would be kinda evil overlordy then, wouldn't he?

Looking forward to reading more...

[Unconscious]

Ah... I see.

Well, he would be kinda evil overlordy then, wouldn't he?

Yup. Hehe.

I'll work on a bit more tommorow, bare in mind, that this is only the prologue, and even that, is not yet complete. Hehe.

[JohnShaft]

Nice start mate. Keep it up.
And as for your grammar, punctuation, etc, as I said you're a changed man (boy ;)).

I'll start on some more tommorow, if I can find the motivation to do so.Ah, there's the rub. I've been meaning to write for years. And haven't. Half of the battle is setting off. The thing with me is, in life, I'm a great planner. I don't set out on a journey unless I've determined where I'm going, and how, and what I'm going to be doing along the way. That makes me thee worst for actually starting. But should help once I do.

I'm now at another point where I'm "going to write something", but this time I have real commitment to. But as always until it's done you've done. That's why I have a tremendous amount for people that have actually written something (complete) like both Scott N. and spiral.

"Writers write".

[Unconscious]

Nice start mate. Keep it up.
And as for your grammar, punctuation, etc, as I said you're a changed man (boy ;)).

Ah, there's the rub. I've been meaning to write for years. And haven't. Half of the battle is setting off. The thing with me is, in life, I'm a great planner. I don't set out on a journey unless I've determined where I'm going, and how, and what I'm going to be doing along the way. That makes me thee worst for actually starting. But should help once I do.

I'm now at another point where I'm "going to write something", but this time I have real commitment to. But as always until it's done you've done. That's why I have a tremendous amount for people that have actually written something (complete) like both Scott N. and spiral.

"Writers write".

It wasn't until I got into writing, that I had discovered how hard it actually is. It is so easy to lose motivation in your work. One grammatically (sp?) incorrect setence can put me off for months. That's the trouble I ran into with the above extract.

[Dave1033a]

I too write, although I specialise in screenwriting. My advice is just write.. Don't worry about grammar, write until you stop then read it back, if need be correct it but try not to let the flow drop by checking your own grammar..

I have written full length scripts without checking until I have finished for grammatical errors..

Just keep it flowing man

[dylanjmorgan]

If you think about it too much: i.e. tomorrow I'll write, maybe some on the weekend etc., you'll never complete a single meaningful sentence, let alone a paragraph.

I'm not a prolific writer, but I write everyday. I'm not the next Koontz or King, but I'm honing my craft to the best of my ability, and I have got published credits to tell me I'm doing something, if only a little something, right.

Each and every time I sit down to write something, I'm haunted by self doubts, and the fear that I'm crap. When I start, it flows and it feels good. I write because I have to, it's a part of me.

As Dave said, just write. Ignore spelling and gramatical mistakes on your first draft, all that can be corrected on the 2nd, 3rd, 4th and subsequent drafts.

Grow your idea, but above all else: Write!

Good luck with it.

Dylan.

[spiral]

I've been meaning to write for years. And haven't. Half of the battle is setting off. The thing with me is, in life, I'm a great planner. I don't set out on a journey unless I've determined where I'm going, and how, and what I'm going to be doing along the way. That makes me thee worst for actually starting. But should help once I do.

I'm now at another point where I'm "going to write something", but this time I have real commitment to. But as always until it's done you've done. That's why I have a tremendous amount for people that have actually written something (complete) like both Scott N. and spiral.

"Writers write".

John, you have the attention to detail for writing. I think you demonstrate that in your posting, here.

Part of the problem is always in terms of discipline - when you don't feel like writing, it's difficult to actually do it. I would suggest that you try and find the time to get something down on paper, perhaps aiming for submission of a short horror story to one of the many anthologies that you can usually find lurking about on the internet. That way, there's a little direction and focus for your story, and a motivation to get it submitted by the deadline.

[Adonais]

I hope I'm not too late to be of any help. Your posts in general tell me you've a fine command of the language - one born out of love for it, too, not pretension. The subject is interesting, and if you lacked an eye for detail heretofore, rest assured you've compensated. I would point out, though, that you don't need to telegraph the fact you're adding detail ("Said button was marked, 'Microphone'" = "Look, guys, I'm adding a detail").

Others have already posted excellent advice. Let me add a couple of points:

1) Avoid adverbs. They're empty calories. Too many make your writing fat and clumsy. If the word you're using needs too many modifiers to fine-tune it, find a better word.

2) For later, when you re-write: Your first draft, where you're building the story, is going to contain a lot of scaffolding. Remember to cut it out upon revision.

Example: "Victoria hesitated; she didn’t know what to say. Should she do what she believes to be right, or follow the orders of her boss?"

A better way: "Victoria hesitated. Tell him the truth, or humour him?"

See what that does for you? We knew already that he was her boss. If in her own mind, she calls it the truth, we know it's what she thinks is right, and the question itself explains that she doesn't know what to say. Plus, the foray into Victoria's mind cuts down the psychic distance and give the reader a sense of immediacy and urgency. In a word, it puts us there, in her situation, and helps us feel what she feels.

It's a good start, all things considered. Pity you lost heart. I hope you'll take it (or some other worthy project) up again.

[DeadWatch]

It is really good...I myself am in the same boat as John...I have the want/desire, but I lack the proper motivation to get things of the ground. I have so many unfinished works stored on my computer or crammed in a notebook, that if finished would encompass a series of short stories. Anyways I agree with Adonais, cut through the fat and get to the meat, other than that point well done and I hope you continue on this endeavor. I for one would by a copy.